Do we need Funnies

[blindfitter]

To cheer your day!

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"


(You'll love this)
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

[Animal]

Lol !!!!

[Cupra]

i liked that 7/10

[Zaltan]

hahaha... nice one! :D

[boardy]

lol nice :P

[skull_fcuk]

Two drunks in pub, one says to the other I've ****ed your mother, pushed my cock down her throat then boned her up the arse. The other one says "I think you've had enough to drink now dad"

[AndyOcUK]

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g307/andyocuk/pmsl.jpg

:lol:

[AndyOcUK]

One of my favourites:

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g307/andyocuk/marraige.jpg

:lol:

[Dualist]

Got this in a email over crimbo.....

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking." Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st first floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

:D

[AndyOcUK]

Genius :biggrin:

[blindfitter]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION:


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'

[Barron_Greenback]

Late one evening a Policeman was walking past a pub. He heard a commotion coming from the car park, so decided to take a look...

On walking into the car park he sees one Drunk blowing up another drunks Arse... "What do you think your doing ?" asks the Policeman.

"I'm giving him the Kiss of Life" replies the Drunk.

"But your Blowing at the wrong end!" says the Policeman.

"I know!" says the Drunk....

"But have you smelt his Breath!?"



....I'll get my coat :unsure:

[Margo Baggins]

:lol::lol::lol:

[HeySteve]

I got told this while i was out in Oz and for some reason i love it!!


Whats "E.T" short for??......






He's got little legs.

[Bustah]

Whats the difference between a Woman and a Gun?


You can put a silencer on a Gun!

[RareBit]

what do women and clouds have in common?

eventually they f*ck off and its a really nice day!:)

[BigAndy]

what do women and clouds have in common?

eventually they f*ck off and its a really nice day!:)



:lol:

This made me chuckle.

[sparkY1000]

lol this made me laugh, especially when my class mates didnt see the funny side of it! :D

[skull_fcuk]

I lol'd loudly , as i'm offshore. Not sure what the connection is, but i lol'd.

[Dualist]

what do women and clouds have in common?

eventually they f*ck off and its a really nice day!:)

fantastic :lol:

[Bastard-Nation]

what do women and clouds have in common?

eventually they f*ck off and its a really nice day!:)

lol.. i am going to have to remember that one:biggrin:

Some viruses..

THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

[phem0r]

Haha :lol:

[Margo Baggins]

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a258/lymph/Porthallow-Gillan080430-047_2008050.jpg

[phem0r]

great :lol:

[ScunnyUK]

I got sent this the other day >>>



I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING
THE OTHER DAY

I THOUGHTI COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT
UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
One Sign You're Driving Too Fast........







http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u307/ScunnyUK/untitled-2.jpg

[Margo Baggins]

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a258/lymph/ErrorMsg01.jpg

[Dualist]

Margo.. I want that in my life..!! :lol:

I big 'undo' button would do instead though :D

[Margo Baggins]

its simple, you need to download the app extensis :lol: its life changing stuff!

[Bastard-Nation]

Death..

Not the most cheery of subjects to put on the hallowed space of this site but i thought these where strange to say the least..

A list of unusual deaths..

1.458 BC: Aeschylus, Greek playwright, was killed when an eagle dropped a live tortoise on him, mistaking his bald head for a stone. The tortoise survived.

2.207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs.

3.336: Arius, the heretical priest who precipitated the Council of Nicea, passed wind and evacuated his internal organs.

4.415: Hypatia of Alexandria, greek mathematician and philosopher, was murdered by a mob by having her skin ripped off with sharp sea-shells and what remained of her burned. (Various types of shells have been named: clams, oysters, abalones. Other sources claim tiles or pottery-shards were used.

5.1322: Humphrey de Bohun, 4th Earl of Hereford was fatally speared through the anus by a pikeman hidden under the bridge during the Battle of Boroughbridge.

6.1626: Francis Bacon died of pneumonia contracted while filling a chicken with ice in order to prove that freezing preserves food.

7.1899: Félix Faure, French president, died of a stroke while receiving oral sex in his office.

8.1911: Jack Daniel, founder of the Tennessee whiskey distillery, died of blood poisoning six years after receiving a toe injury when he kicked his safe in anger at being unable to remember its combination.

9.1912: Franz Reichelt, tailor, fell to his death off the first deck of the Eiffel Tower while testing his invention, the coat parachute. It was his first ever attempt with the parachute and he had told the authorities in advance he would test it first with a dummy.

10.53 BC: Marcus Licinius Crassus was executed by having molten gold poured down his throat, following his defeat at Carrhae at the hands of the Parthians under Spahbod Surena. Some accounts claim that his head was then cut off and used as a stage prop in a play performed for the Parthian king Orodes II.

[I.L.P]

3.336: Arius, the heretical priest who precipitated the Council of Nicea, passed wind and evacuated his internal organs.

Reminds me of my Bro does that one :D

5.1322: Humphrey de Bohun, 4th Earl of Hereford was fatally speared through the anus by a pikeman hidden under the bridge during the Battle of Boroughbridge.

Dualist will tell ya this is exactly why we must have plenty of lube in our sockets :lol:

[Bastard-Nation]

Reminds me of my Bro does that one :D



Dualist will tell ya this is exactly why we must have plenty of lube in our sockets :lol:

:lol:

I have noticed Dualist hasent replied,i dont think he wants to be associated with such goings on.!

[Dualist]

he he, I missed his post B-N :D

Always lube up as a precaution, you never know what's gonna happen ;) :p

[vento1]

Sigged

[Dualist]

biatch :p

[Bastard-Nation]

:lol:

Nice Sig.:rollyeyes:

[Greed4Speed]

How do you know that a gay guy has burgled your house?



Your furniture has been rearranged and there is a Quiche in the oven.:D

[Margo Baggins]

This literally rounded off a pretty good day, and is amazingly funny, i stumbled to it just now, and i think im going to re watch it. watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W20C5ewvgPk

[blindfitter]

Not a funny, but could change your outlook on life,

DO YOU HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE??



READ THIS

LET IT REALLY SINK IN - THEN CHOOSE .

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood
and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him
how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be
twins!'

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the
employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and
asked him, 'I don't get it!

You can't be a positive person all of the time How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two
choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can
choose to be in a bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood.'

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I
can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept
their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I
choose the positive side of life.

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy', I protested.

'Yes, it is', he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away
all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react
to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's
your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower
Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought
about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious
accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was
released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd
be twins..Wanna see my scars?'

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through
his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my
soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground,
I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I
could choose to die. I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked

He continued, '..the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me
into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and
nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'.
I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said
John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The
doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I
took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''

Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on
me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his
amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the
choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.


After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

[scooter.jay]

Maybe not a joke but found it funny for the reason that anyone would post this on xs when talking about 8GB of ram in vistaX64.

"8GB gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside and makes your e-penis throb lol Get it now you know you want to!"

Brilliant!!!!

Honestly words fail me.

[Dualist]

Love these, some old some new... enjoy...

Original ATC quotes list

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine
jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the
fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine
shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about
to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another
one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to
know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled
onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I
didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right
on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You
stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew
responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted
to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"



Aircraft maintenance engineers 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' comments...

These aircraft maintenance comments are allegedly from 'gripe sheets' or
'squawk reports' which contain pilots' reports of aircraft technical
problems and the responses from maintenance engineers.


*Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.* *Remedial
action or answer reported by maintenance engineer*

Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit.

Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. Almost replaced
left-inside main tyre.

Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours.
Noise now familiar.

Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed.

Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] Engine
found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.

Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock.

Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and
be serious.

Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Pilot removed from aircraft.

Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer. Took hammer away from midget.

Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right.

IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] IFF always
inoperative in 'off' mode.

Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not
installed on this aircraft.

No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]
Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order.

Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed.

Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring
Equipment?] DME volume set to more believable level.

No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1,
3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. That's what they are for.

:D

[vento1]

Took a while to read it all but Dave that is so funny.

[Greed4Speed]

Why do women wear make-up and use purfume?
Because they are ugly and smell.





What's the difference between your wife and your job?
Your job still sucks after 20 years.

[K404]

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/6223/notentirelystablesi7.jpg (http://img208.imageshack.us/my.php?image=notentirelystablesi7.jpg)

Couldnt think of anywhere else to put this, and I wasnt letting it go to waste :p

[RareBit]

An 18 year old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half hour later and a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2million bank account.

If a boy is born my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.

If twins they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

[Dualist]

LMFAO :lol:

That was great Rarebit :biggrin:

[RareBit]

i cant take cradit for that...was Margo!...i logged in on his PC earlier.

Funny as tho! love it!

[sparkY1000]

Genius! :D

[Bencher]

nice pic there, lol

[blindfitter]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



A MANS PEOM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

[sparkY1000]

Oddly enough my missus didnt think that was as funny as I did! :D

[jabski]

7 types of sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called:Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time,and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex hasgotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called:Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is calledCourtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And;
The 7th kind of sex is called:Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Margo Baggins]

... and they said the 2900 was hot....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDoOV0FFPvA

[r1ch]

If that's the video I think it is (blocked youtube at work...) then it took 15 minutes to cook it and they speeded it up for the final video.

2900 would probably do it quicker :D

[I.L.P]

i reckon the pan was probably pre-heated on a stove first :p

[skull_fcuk]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said,



'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'



She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[K404]

a lesson learned...


when using the intercom to get into a mates flat for a boozeup, do not introduce yourself with:

"I am cornholio, I need TP for my bung-hole"

I guarantee you'll have hit the wrong buzzer and the person who answers wont have a sense of humour. I was sober at the time, I had no excuse at all :( Cue hasty apology :rollyeyes:

[B|oodThorn]

Heres a couple ive been sent over the past few months (if any are to offensive please could a mod delete as appropriate)-

"8 things that girls should say to guys -
1.Im bored lets shave my pussy
2.Are you sure youve had enough to drink
3.That fart was great do another one
4.Of course i will swallow,i love the taste of cum
5.Thats alright you drink,watch porn-ill do the dishes and wash your car
6.For a change could you put it up my ass
7.Why dont you get that girl from work to join us
8.Marriage!No Way!
Unfortunatly Carlsberg dont do girls but if they did...."


""Jeremy Beadle(R.I.P) was having a tug when he thought to himself -my cocks a bit small - but on the other hand its f*****g massive!"


"Four German dwarfs went too the red light district and hired a 6ft tall prostitute.
They went back to the hotel room,stripped off,tied springs to there feet and gave her the best shag of her life.
Its whats known in the business as - THE FOUR SPRUNG DWARF TECHNIQUE"


"Identifying THE ERECTUS TROUSERIUS - better known as the trouser snake is the worlds most dangerous snake.
1.Colour varies from pink to black
2.It is fangless
3.Average length is 5-9 inches depending on subspecies
4.Usually appears in bedrooms but can be found in unusual places at times.
5.Attacks females in the lower part of the abdominal area.
6.Its highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting 9 months.
7.Has also been known to attack MEN FROM BEHIND!"



"A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams coming from inside.
She asks St Peter what it is to which he replys "Thats the sound of angels getting holes drilled in their backs for wings and their heads for halos"
She replys "I think id rather goto hell"
St Peter Replys"In hell you will be raped and buggered"
She replys "Yeah,but i already have the f****g holes for that""

[K404]

sailing into urban myth territory...

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'


Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

[Dualist]

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine
products aisle.


lmao :lol:

[Dualist]

In a recent survey, people from Liverpool, have proved to be the most likely
to have had sex in the shower ! In the survey, carried out for leading
toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have
enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison
... yet.


:D

Heyyy, calm down calm down.

[vento1]

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)



Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

Why?" asks the father?

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH


Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"



LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one choccy bar after
another
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business

[kitfit1]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[kitfit1]

How to save the airlines


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.


Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?


The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.


Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.


This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.


Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,


Bill Clinton

[kitfit1]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

[kitfit1]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.


At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[kitfit1]

Brave men jokes

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,

fatty."

********************************

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife

is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a

headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get

paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase .

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I

want to see how you live on £800 a year ".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2

litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a

head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a

250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor

belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed

the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to

her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

[tunedude]

In a recent survey, people from Liverpool, have proved to be the most likely
to have had sex in the shower ! In the survey, carried out for leading
toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have
enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison
... yet.


:D

Heyyy, calm down calm down.

:no::no:

[scooter.jay]

Cannot begin to tell how much i would love to do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.kontraband.com/videos/11758/ULTIMATE-Prank-Call/#show

[r1ch]

Cannot begin to tell how much i would love to do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.kontraband.com/videos/11758/ULTIMATE-Prank-Call/#show

Remember I couldn't stop laughing for hours after I heard that for the first time - kwaliteee stuff :D

"Say I wanted to mail your ass a letter Mike...WHAT would I have to write on the envelope" :lol:

[Margo Baggins]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

[K404]

DAYUM! See if id had that 10 years ago.........

[phem0r]

You would of got a spanking :p

[MonsterMunch]

Camilla (to Queen): Yes, Charles & I are getting along swimmingly ma'am... but every time I suck Charles' cock I get terrible indigestion...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Queen (to Camilla): Have you tried Andrews!?

[r1ch]

Camilla (to Queen): Yes, Charles & I are getting along swimmingly ma'am... but every time I suck Charles' cock I get terrible indigestion...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Queen (to Camilla): Have you tried Andrews!?

Better pack your bags. :coffee:

[MonsterMunch]

Better pack your bags. :coffee:

http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n277/mickeybluepants/img484ea7b5e6622.jpg


:p

[MonsterMunch]

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"

"But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a *sperm* bank."

"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.

"Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.

"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.

"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it."

"But sir, I just drank one!"

"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.

When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

"Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"




Thx to r1ch for the proper version :p

[MonsterMunch]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.

He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's going at it as best he can for a guy of his age.

The old sailor asks "How am I doing?"

The Prositute replies... "Well sailor, you're doing about 3 knots!"

"3 knots!" he replies.... "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well" she says... "You're knot hard, you're knot in & you're knot getting your f***ing money back!"



..../Gets coat :p

[Bastard-Nation]

Money..

It can be tricky to understand all the different slang terms for money so i thought this post would help.

For instance imagine the scenario..

Their you are minding your own business when somebody walks up to you and says..

"I will give you a Pony for your Cpu".?

Would your answer be..

1.A Pony.?..i dont even have room in my garden for a dog.?

2.Please get out of my face.?

3.A pony isnt enough i want at least a Monkey.?

Of course the third one is right.

Here is a list of terms for cash that will make you understand all the jargon...

Nicker £1
A Pony £25
Tenner £10
Score £20
Ton £100
Century £100
One-er £100
Monkey £500
Grand £1000
Plum £100,000 ..i have never heard of that one before.:unsure:

[fakesnake]

An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed,his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'